It’s crazy how you can go a few years thinking you’re so happy, & then something changes & you reach a whole new happiness in life. Through losing people that made me “happy” part of the time Iv realized what happiness really is & who I need to devote my time to bc those are the ones that are really worth it, those are the ones that make my life happy on a whole new new level I never knew existed.
The plot in the sky thickens
and she counts until the clouds echo her anger.
This is how we gain ourselves back
when he traps himself in our bodies.
I do not like my hands today,
and I wanted to wait until they stopped shaking to write this.
But this is where my fault lies, in waiting for the disorder to soothe,
and failing to attend to them while they tremble.
Around you, I lost my shadow. You told me to be patient.
You tried to illuminate yourself with the night.
You lived inside of me and I shook.
You needed a sturdy ground.
I could not tend to my foundation.
Your safe house collapsed.
“If you would just learn how to be reliable for one Goddamned day of your life, I wouldn’t have to fight so hard to find myself.”
But I am not parallel with my past selves,
and I do not hold who you wish to be.
I am human, not permanence;
I cannot promise consistency.
This is when I stop letting my body become a shelter
for the lives gone astray.